Unique Online Stock Broker Tools

Oct 29, 2012
J. Webster
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There are a wide range of online brokers to choose from, so it’s tough to decide which broker to go with.

What research tools do they offer? Should I go the broker that offers the cheapest price per trade? Should I go with the broker that gives you the most money to buy stocks on margin? Should I go with the broker with the best interface and user experience? But what about those unique factors that set online brokers apart, some you might be unaware of that make them special….what about brokers that offer you those extra incentives and safeguards.

TD Ameritrade: If a series of trades go bad, Matt Damon will appear at your doorstep as Jason Bourne and rush you to a secure location so you won’t trade anymore that day. He also gives you a shot so you forget all the bad trades you just made and all the money you lost.

Scottrade: Scot, a crazy Scottish man will force you to eat piles of haggis if you fail to honor your stops. He’ll then play the bagpipes at a high pitch so the memory of this is seared into your brain and you’ll never fail to honor your stops again.

OptionMonster: The Najarian brothers, along with fellow Armenian, Kim Kardashian, wake you in the morning doing a Gangnam style dance when you login to start trading. They’ll also put your hair in a ponytail if you like.

Etrade: The online broker of the dot com boom in the late 90s, still loves to steer you towards tech stocks. When there’s a new tech IPO, say like when Facebook went public, a soothing voice will whisper in your ear, “Buy some Facebook shares today.” If you don’t buy any shares of the IPO then a baby will wail in your ear for hours on end.

Merrill Edge: An actual bull will come crashing through your window if you don’t sell part of your position after a big rally in a stock. One individual who uses Merrill Lynch as an online broker, said that when Apple hit over $700 a share, a bull walked buy his window and glared at him, actual smoke came out of his nostrils. He sold a quarter of his position in Apple immediately.

Charles Schwab: The online broker has been around for what seems like forever, or at least their name makes it sound like they’ve been around forever, they only let you buy dividend paying stocks. And when you’re cold, they’ll wrap a sweater around your shoulders.

Zecco: They supply you with hot coffee, red bull or 5 hour energy drinks so you keep trading throughout the day. They don’t offer any Monster energy drinks, though.

Fidelity: As their name implies, they’re all about trust. However, they don’t trust you to always make the right decisions when trading stocks. If they see you staring at a penny stock ticker for hours on end, a hand will come out of the screen and slap you so you snap out of it.

Share Builder: Offers mobile trading from your phone while you swim, shower or scuba dive – in other words, you can trade while partaking in all water activities. If there’s a rain storm, no worries, you can trade. If there’s a hurricane, don’t worry, screen wipers magically appear.

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