Breaking News in the Year 2015, Charlie Gasparino Caught Dumpster Diving at Goldman Sachs

Apr 11, 2012
J. Webster
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In a tireless effort to get to the bottom of the Muppet controversy at Goldman Sachs, intrepid Fox Business reporter, Charlie Gasparino, was found hiding under piles of paper near some dumpsters outside the headquarters of Goldman Sachs. When he was caught, he was in the midst of trying to piece together various shredded emails to see if he could find any use of the word Muppet; his hands were bloodied with paper cuts and piles of staples and paper clips surrounded him like little mountains.

Goldman Sachs agreed to let Gasparino go on the condition that he would give up his efforts to unravel the MuppetGate story and just retire already. Goldman says the Muppet nonsense was all a joke. That they couldn’t care less who or if someone said Muppet. That they love Muppets and puppets and movies about and with both. There was no MuppetGate story at all. They never searched emails for the use of the word Muppet. They just said they were to get the public off their backs.

However, Gasparino was heard to say he wouldn’t give up and would go on trying to uncover whether or not anyone at Goldman Sachs called a client a Muppet. He said this story had become the biggest story of his financial reporting career and he would go on trying uncover the truth about the Muppet controversy.

As they dragged him away from the piles of paper and the shredded emails, Gasparino said, “Tell Lloyd I’m not going to quit. I’ll always be around to bust his balls.”

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