Nonsense: Goldman Sachs to Hire UBS’s Rogue Trader

Sep 24, 2011
J. Webster
Comments Off on Nonsense: Goldman Sachs to Hire UBS’s Rogue Trader

Considering that UBS trader Kweku Adoboli was able to hide his rogue traders for over three years, Goldman Sachs is intrigued with his skills to say the least. They’re not really concerned with the fact that he lost over $2.3 billion in the end. That’s not the issue. Rather, what impresses some of the top brass at Goldman Sachs is that he could hide these rogue trades and go undetected for so long. They highlight the fact that this rogue trader embarked on his trades in 2008, when the stock market was collapsing around the world. That says something about his skills of deception.

Now, with Goldman Sachs interested in hiring Kweku Adoboli, Morgan Stanley and even Bank of America’s Merril Lynch have become interested in his services. What with the increasing popularity of leveraged ETFs of all kinds, financial firms are looking for someone with experience trading those instruments. ETFs of course were Kweku Adoboli’s area of “expertise” while he worked at UBS. It was how he lost over $2.3 billion.

One anonymous source at a large investment bank had this to say:

“To say the kid’s got some guts is an understatement. What impresses me is how he was able to maintain a cool demeanor for going on three fuc#@$% years while doing these trades. Some traders would have had a nervous breakdown or killed themselves. This kid’s got some balls. That’s the kind of person we want on our trading desk. With the right risk management software, we feel we can steer him in the right direction from here on out. We’re confident that we won’t miss any unauthorized trades.”

And he went on:

“This is off the record, right? Well, the one characteristic we admire the most on Wall Street is deception. Yes, it’s true. Yeah, everyone says integrity is the characteristic they admire the most, but they’re lying. Everyone knows the phrase ‘greed is good’, but deception is even better.”

The big question though is who’s going to bail him out of prison. And at what price is it worth it to Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley or Merril Lynch or some other investment bank to hire him when he has this criminal trial hanging over his head. That’s the big question that has yet to be answered.

Some financial firms are even saying they are will to hire Kweku Adoboli right now even though he’s going to serve time in prison, most likely. They don’t want to pass up on the opportunity and are willing to wait for Adoboli but want to lock him into a contract. Don’t be surprised if there’s a bidding war for Adoboli and he gets a large hiring bonus.

Others have said that Goldman Sachs is only trying to bid up the price for Adoboli and make Morgan Stanley or Merril Lynch pay a large sum if they want to hire him. Some say Goldman is just trying to sabotage Morgan or Merril, they’re not even really interested in hiring Adoboli.

(This post of course is all a joke, satire)

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