Jamie Dimon’s West Coast Tour Sours

Aug 17, 2011
J. Webster
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“We don’t run the business based on what happens in the market in a day” – Jamie Dimon.

How many more damn tellers do I have to meet? What the hell!! I’m tried of this sh#$.

If I didn’t have these sunglasses on you’d see how pissed I am. I’ve given my positive message like you told me. I need to get back to NYC, there’s a potential disaster brewing in the stock market, if you haven’t heard. Yeah, I said it doesn’t matter that much and I’m not worried, but hell, the market has been down over a 1000 points in just a few days. I am worried. Very. You remember 2008, right? Damn this tour!

When are with done with this fuc$$$ thing? Do they realize our stock is falling off a cliff!? Yeah, I’m playing it cool but I need to get back to headquarters. This traffic is killing him out here in Cali, too. It’s like carmageddon around every exit. How does any one sit in a car this long and just wait. Plus, all this dude talk and surfer casualness, it’s not me. Get me back to the East coast.

And it’s not like I’m running for President or something, whose idea was this anyway? Meet tellers. Tour new banks. It’s a joke. Shaking hands. All this smiling. I’m going to fire whoever it was. You know other bank CEOs are laughing at me, right? Laughing.

What the fu###! CNBC, yeah, they can come interview me. I always tell’em like it is as usual. JP Morgan is the best bank in the world. When this economy turns around we will blow doors on everyone else. You see how many banks we have out here in Cali now. We’re taking over. Bank of America? They’re falling into the abyss. The game is over and JP Morgan Chase has won. I won. Jamie Dimon has won. What time’s my flight tomorrow? This is bullsh@$. My feet hurt.

Head of PR for JP Morgan: “Jamie, there are only a few more days left. You can make it. You’re going to have to sweeten up a little bit. Just a few more new banks to visit and a few more friendly smiles. Can you de-sour?”

Jamie Dimon: “I won’t sweeten. I’m not going to de-sour! It’s too late. Yeah I’ve got my arms folded, SO WHAT!”

Image Sources: LA Times and Antonio Villaraigosa

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