What Benny Bernanke Said to His Wife When He Got Home After Being Questioned By Jamie Dimon
“Just cause everyone loves him, Mr. Banker of the world, so good looking, so special. I don’t care, he still can’t come at me like that. Who does he think he is to question me like that? Try to play me. I run this town. This ain’t his show anymore.
Isn’t he grateful, I mean he got one hell of a deal for Bear Stearns, and then me and Hank killed off Lehman Brothers, one of his rivals. We did everything he wanted for a while. He calls me every other day, whining about how these new regulations are killing his JPM Morgan empire. How he’d like to raise the dividend again. I tell ya it’s fun to shut him up and tighten the grip – the power is in my hands now. Does he want the kind of wrath that Goldman Sachs is getting right now? Does he? All I’d have to say is Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme and he’d flinch. I’m not going to settle down. The more I think about it the more angry I get. I know, I know I’m getting worked up. (Bernanke whips some spit off his white beard)
He has the audacity to come at me with that crap during a speaking engagement, where I’m supposed to be the center of attention. He stole the spotlight again. Did you see how cool I was though? Laughing it off. (Beranke passes the mirror in the hall) Damn my beard is looking good. Yo, honey, my beard is as white as snow these days, it’s like a fluffy little lamb, sure is smooth. Adds some seriousness don’t it. Gravitas. Who has a beard like this? Look at it, you can’t stop looking at it. What if I shaved it off? The market would drop like a rock, people in the trading trenches would be so shocked. They’d think I went mad. You know I’m not going to shave it off, I’m just playing. I know you love playing with it.
You won’t believe this either. One of the only people who had my back was Jim Cramer believe it or not. He knows not to mess with me. He shows respect.
How’s the pasta coming along? I’m starving. You want red or white tonight? I might do scotch actually, you in? What kind of ice cream we got by the way? I hate that chocolate swirl, double fudge, cookie crunch, whatever it is, just give me some good old coffee ice cream.
I mean come on, I steered this country away from another Great Depression, do PEOPLE REALIZE THAT for gods sake? It’s not like they’re paying me a ton of money for this job. DO THEY UNDERSTAND THE STRESS I’M UNDER. The Chinese are pissed at us. Do people realize that? I don’t need Jamie Dimon coming at me. That was some bull#@@$. Sorry, but it was. What is he going to accomplish with that, really? It was all: look at me I’m Jamie Dimon, look at me I’m so good looking, so cool, so on top of the world with my JP Morgan empire. Just once I’d like to see him slip up. I would.
No, the beard’s not going anywhere, honey, it has power now. I look like a historical figure. Hell, I’ve been on 60 Minutes and now I’m doing press conferences. Has there every been Chairman of the Federal Reserve like me, so smooth, so smart, so wise? I am a historical figure. Could you get me a bit of water, I’m parched?”